I keep coming here and clicking on ‘New Post’ and staring at the blank white square, the cursor blinking lazily at me, asking me to ‘Enter title here.’
2013 has left me wordless. Not only here in the blogosphere but out there, in the real world too. I keep finding myself amongst people, with absolutely nothing to say. This is not like me at all.
I’ve put all my faith into the new year coming. Apparently it’s the first in something-something years to be starting with a new moon, so all those airy-fairy enough to believe in all the planetary stuff say it’s a good sign. I’m going with them.
And as for 2013? Good riddance.
It started off well. Extremely well, actually, in a whirlwind of love and happiness. You know those moments that stick? The ones that leave you feeling breathless, that sparkle and twirl and fix themselves in your head like a photograph on a pinboard. There were those, too, plenty of them. A room lit only by the fire in the corner, orange light flickering on the walls as you look right into my being. Conversations with children about hearts made of ice-cream, which is the next best thing to love. A growing-up kitten taking up residence in my home and heart. Friends, family, love.
The tragedies, the deaths, the work overload and stress, the health scares, the heartbreak, the sadness, the tiredness and, what I thought was the final straw, the bust geyser and flooded house. I should’ve known better than to think that was it. A Christmas Eve break-in and ransacking got thrown in too, just in case I had any delusion that the end of 2013 was any kind of good.
But, as I said above, there was much good in between it all, and I’m going to go with that old saying about non-killing things making you stronger, even though I don’t feel stronger at all. I just feel broken. It’s made me whiny and whingey and not feeling like me. I have plenty to be grateful for – I have wonderful family, amazing friends, a roof over my head and food to eat and, and, and, I’ve learnt stuff. About me, about life.
I’m hoping to wake up to 2014 feeling like (an airy fairy, moon cycle-believing) The Incredible Hulk. But preferably not green and overly-muscled.
And able to find words.